My Lil Life

Everyone is talking about online dating these days! How wonderful it is and how you can find your true soul mate! WELL…I have a thing or 2 to say to these people. I tried online dating about 3 years ago and had a little success. I narrowed down my choices and decided that this guy Mitch was a really great match for me. So we started dating. He lived 40 miles away; where I would drive a nerve-racking rural highway each time just to him! Everything was going good, or so I thought, until I found out that that conniving asshole was cheating on me for the majority of our relationship! With his “best friend” who was a girl, thank god. So after that disturbing discovery, I vowed that I would never date a guy that lived out of town again!

But as I sit here and pour another glass of wine, I find myself in a situation that feels vaguely familiar. I take another vast mouthful of wine I patiently wait for my phone to light up, “1 New Message?” He hasn’t text me for 3 hours now, which isn’t normal for him. Lately he has been acting distant and I can’t figure out why. But how can I when he is 45 miles away and I can’t read the expressions on his face?  What is he doing? Does he have another girl on the side? Is he really married with kids? Why isn’t he texting me back? All these questions go running through my head. Now I know what you’re thinking, this girl is worrying about stuff every girl worries about in a new relationship. True! But I’m left out in the dust more so because I only get to see him every few weeks. The relationship is put under more stress from the distance alone. So, how does a long distance relationship work?

Well I think that trust is the most important thing. You have to be completely willing to take a leap of faith, so to speak, and give your heart out to some1 that you know only through email, text, phone calls, etc. Without trust there is no real fundamental reason to be together. I just don’t know if I can do that yet. He seems like a great guy, key word being seems. But I have no evidence to say one way or the other. As I take a deep penetrating breath, I fill my wine glass up again. I’m getting down to the bottom.

So basically what I’m trying to say is; long distance relationships are fricking hard! Is it worth it? I don’t really know. If me and Kory (that’s the guy) have a future together, they ya it is. But, if we date 6 months to a year and I end up getting my heart broken, then no it’s defiantly not worth it. If only i had a crystal ball; I would concentrate every bit of my energy, in hopes that it would give me the answer! So is online dating a good way to meet people? Yes. But you have to be one strong bitch to handle everything that comes after in long distance relationships. I’ll keep you posted. Peace and Love

This weekend was a great one, and that’s to say the least. I met an amazing guy who I like a lot. We met about 2-2 1/2 years ago on this internet dating site called plenty of fish. I thought it was a silly thing to do, “like anyone can really find love on the internet” was my initial reaction. But then my curiosity became so intense, a building suspense that was eating away at me. Who has check out my file? Have any guys write to me? So we started to txt each other. After about 6 months we kind of just stopped texting each other. We both got busy with our lives; not a word from either of us. Well for the last year or so we started texting again, more regularly. Then for the last 7 months we find ourselves looking at our phone frequently in the hopes the other has send a txt back. I don’t know why, but we click so well that it just feels natural. Anyways! After many frustrating months of try to coordinate a meet, mostly because I kept getting sick and being stuck in countless hospital rooms, we finally meet! He came to my home town; took me out for dinner, we rented some movies, and later went out to the bars to play some intense games of pool. In which, I suspected he was cheating in but could not find cold hard proof. And, finally, we went back to my place to sleep a wonderful nights rest :) We laid in bed the whole morning and just cuddled. It was nice! I enjoyed it a lot!

Love! What is it exactly? Is it something you feel for another person because without them you feel like you could not exist? Or is it something you feel toward someone, but only because there is no one else to love? I think it may be a bit of both. I think some people just get real lucky and they find that other someone that completes them. They are able to go through life with true love. But I think, in this day of age, people find someone they like, can live with and the settle at that. I don’t believe that that’s how things should go. If you find a man that you could not live without, I think that is how everyone should do it.

So the last 2 nights have kind of been a disaster. When I get drunk, my drunken personality thinks I need to see or talk to Chris. Well Chris is catching on very quickly and he has brought it up before. He doesn’t like when I do this, but it’s really hard for me not to. I’m not sure why, but I think deep down I really love him, or maybe I want to love him. I feel horrible because the last 2 nights I did this and was acting all crazy, angry. He was not happy, either night. But last night, I went over to where he was staying and was causing ruckus and he told me to leave. I could tell he was dead serious, so I left for a bit and came back; like an idiot. He did let me stay; we laid together for a long time. It feels safe and his arms and I feel like nothing else matters but being with him and in his arms. All the hurt and fear and anger leave my body like it never existed in the first place. I feel at peace and that’s not a feeling I get often. I love being with him and around him; and I think that scares me a lot. I’m afraid to let someone love me because I feel like it’s not fair to them to have to be with someone as fucked up as I am. I have so many emotional, mental, and health issues that I feel it’s not a right thing to do; letting someone love me. Well I’m exhausted and need some sleep. Until next time………Peace and Love!

                So I’m home now! I got so much work done today, it’s unbelievable! Today was my first full day home. I did all my laundry, took me near 6 long loads. Unfortunately I still have one load left. Last night my roommate went out and I just stayed home and watched a very disturbing movie about, of all subjects, Facebook. I found it a little messed up in the end. But overall it was a pretty good movie.  I recommend watching it(The Social Network), it’s really informational and made me look at Facebook in a way I never thought transpired.  Anyways, back to the story; I was trying to watch my movie and 2 o’clock came around, in comes my roommate. She’s extremely intoxicated, which was quite funny to watch. Usually I’m drunk with her or she just passes out right away. And in she comes, stumbling casually and rather loudly through the door. She slurred something to me and went running for the bathroom. I just rolled my eyes and went back to my movie. Next, thing I know I hear some guys’ voice calling my name and talking to me. I was like “what the hell!!!!” I got up to find my ex-boyfriend stumbling through the door as well. “FUCK!” ‘What the hell is he doing here’ I thought extremely angrily. Long story cut short; they bumped into each other at the bar and he heard that I was back in town and he wanted to see me, so he walked her home and came inside. BIG SIGH!!!!!! He just really wants to be with me and I just want, so much in the world, to just be friends. We have a very long passed together; he was inevitably my first love. I felt love for him that was so deep in me I couldn’t escape it, and still I’m finding it amazingly difficult to fight. He was so romantic and on the littlest of things. One night, we ‘borrowed’ my mom’s van, probably sneaking it out of the driveway like Bonny and Clyde on the escape from a jewelry store robbery. He brought hot chocolate, a couple warm blankets, and a lantern. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going and so I waited so impatiently. I could literally hear the seconds and minutes pass on his watch. “It’s a surprise and you’re going to absolutely love it!” He said this with such an enthusiastic grin on his face; he couldn’t contain his excitement worth shit. We, after driving about 15 minutes out of town, pulled into a meadow. It’s was such a beautiful sight. The moon was high above, shinning more beautifully than a new rose flower blooming on an early spring morning. It was high in the sky, surrounded by so many stars and not one cloud. He took my dancing under the stars that night and it was the single most romantic moment in my life. Yeah, I feel hard for this guy. I was a love sick young girl and no one could’ve ever convinced me otherwise. So since then, we have gone back and forth with each other. It’s been one crazy relationship. Recently, we tried to date again and it didn’t work out at all. But now he won’t accept us as just friends because ‘he’s in love with me and wants to spend every day, of the rest of my life with me.’ I don’t know what to do with this guy! I have told him before that I want to be friends, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I must be getting to sleep, it’s late. Until next time………………….Peace and Love

It’s the end of yet another day! Sigh………..I received news today that I get to go home tomorrow, from a 9 day agonizing hospital stay. I get to go home to my house, my baby kitty, my roommate, and my own comfortable bed. I should be excited and happy, rit! I am! I am happy but being in the hospital, as much as I’m in here, is what I do best. It’s what I’ve known how to do well since I was a little girl. Those are some of my first memories. Playing board games and hide and seek with all the nurses and bugging my mom while we waited in doctor’s offices. When I’m home, sometimes I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. And its just a matter of time before I get sick again and go back; go back to my real life. I know what your thinking; How in the hell can someone feel like a small unfamiliar room with only a bed and bathroom be a way of living? But I’ve spent over half my life in hospitals and doctors’ offices. So how does someone discard half their life? I know what I’m good at; I’m really good at being sick. Now don’t think for one minute that I fake illness. Because if I could give it all up and be a completely normal healthy human being, I would do it in a second. I wouldn’t even think twice about it! So besides all the perks I get here; free TV, free internet, meals cooked and served to me, and the freeness to be able to do nothing and focus 100% on getting/staying better. I still don’t get the love of my family and friends who I see every day at home and the comfort of my own space and things.

So i sit here on my last night here and think about the things I need to do when I get home. Its back to reality, and where reality is bills, stress, disappointment on my end, and some happiness follows. I got to buy my bare fridge some groceries, my poor roommate is probably down to stale crackers and old ketchup.  I want to get back to training my adorable baby kitten. He’s got a lot of work that needs done in his training stage. His name is Hephy and he has one unique personality. He can be the sweetest little man ever but if you catch him when he’s awake you might want to keep your distance if you don’t want a scratch or 2. But he is only a little over 3 months old now, so he’s still a mischievous and curious baby kitten. Well I think that’s enough fruitless babble for 1 night. Until next time! Peace and Love!!!

Wow! So I’m a blogger now, lol! Man, I don’t even know how to start this off. I guess my name is Megan. I recently turned 21 years old! My big 21st birthday, and I had to spend it in the hospital. :(  I have Cystic Fibrosis, for short its called CF. For those of you who don’t know, CF is a hereditary disease. It involves your lungs and digestive system. It causes there to be more, and thicker, mucus in my lungs and my pancreass doesn’t produce enzymes to break down and absorb nutrients. So I spend a lot of time in the hospital because I get lung infections easily and get sick. I have to take supplement enzymes and tons of pills. It does and has gotten worse with age. The life expectancy for a CFer is around 37, and sometimes increases with huge discovery’s in different meds.

Now that we got that out of the way……what else? Well I was born and raised in a small town, and still here. I tried to be as normal as a kid as I could be. My CF didn’t start getting in the way until about 7th grade. from there its kinda gone down hill. Although, I didn’t help it much. I got into drugs and smoking cigarettes and alcohol around age 16. For about 3 1/2 years I neglected my meds and health care, used drugs of all kinds, drank alcohol, and just partied! I finally grew up and realized that if I continued I would for sure be dead way early. So I grew up and here I am today.

Among the several complications with my CF, I had an episode in October of 2010 where my heart stopped and my roommate was, thankfully, there and knew how to do CPR. She did this until the paramedics arrived and shocked me back to life. Then I was flown to a bigger hospital. That was a very scary experience for me, and it took me quite a while after to feel completely safe alone. It has brought on a lot of anxiety and depression. I try to handle this as best as I can but sometimes it ends up handling me!

I love to cook, watch movies, read, hang with friends, and listen to music! I used to work in a movie rental store for 2 years, so I’m a big movie freak! I love to read anything and everything I can get my hands on. I love to be outdoors, when its nice weather out. And I’m very excited to start this blog. I’m hoping it’ll be a good out let for me and I hope others like it as well! All comments are welcome. Until next time, CFGirl!